Ten Things I Don't Mind You Knowing About Me

Vincent, AL

My mind is full of stories of things that I’ve done, seen, and experienced over the years. I’ve bragged that my brain is like a steel trap because I can gather memories from an age that most people don’t even remember. I have distinct images of things that happened to me when I was less than two years old.

When I sit down to actually write one of the stories my mind goes completely blank. It’s as if my brain comes out of my head, looks at me, and says “We ain’t never been nowhere.”

“Of course we have,” I say. “We’ve done lots of things.”

“I don’t think so,” says Brain. “Right now all I can come up with is that Twilight Zone episode where the plastic surgeons are really ugly and maybe the first verse of the Punky Brewster theme song.”

“Well, what about that time I accidentally killed a bird and had to raise the babies?” I reply.

Brain shakes what I can only assume is what it’s head should be. “That’s an episode of Andy.”

Oh yeah. I think you’ll come to find that a lot of my childhood memories have been contaminated by the copious amounts of television that I was allowed to watch growing up.

Well, today seems like a good day for a random list. How about 10 things that I don’t mind telling you about myself?

1) I grew up in a small town in Alabama called Vincent. It had a population of about 1,500 people, 2,000 dogs, 762 cows, 2 emus, and at least one black bear. The chief exports of Vincent are cotton and prayer and the only thing that gets imported is the opposing football team on Friday night.

2) My dad has been in the army and the air force. He was a firefighter and a police officer. He never got me out of a speeding ticket but he did pull me over once and threaten to give me one.

3) My mother was an EMT when I was young and she went to college to become a nurse while I was in high school. She was the go-to medical professional on the hill where our mobile home was. If anyone had an injury or an ailment they always went to her first before they shelled out a co-pay to go see a doctor. Unfortunately for her, her patients were not always human. I remember at least twice that she was called out at night to a neighbor’s house to assist with a dog or a cat that had gone into labor.

4) I’ve met a few celebrities in my life, though only a couple of them have “stories” to go along with them. I once saw a teenager get arrested because he insulted Dan Quayle in front of a huge crowd of people. Henry Winkler gave my kids a private magic show. I saw Joan Collins sign a playboy magazine that contained her own naked pictures. And one of my favorite authors sends me a “Happy Birthday” message every year.

5) I was once attacked by a rooster that had been possessed by the devil himself.

6) One of the most spectacular motor vehicle crashes that ever took place in the Vincent city limits happened while I was behind the wheel. I expertly maneuvered a car between a large tree and a small populated house with zero visibility. No one got hurt...except for my car. It died that day.

7) I once had a cat named Leaper that used to come in the house when we opened the door and immediately perched himself on the back of our couch. One day Leaper went missing. He was gone for three years. Then one day my mom opened the front door and he jumped up on the back of the couch as if he had never left. He was missing an ear and at least two toes but he was there. He stayed with us for a few more years before he passed away.

8) I trespassed into a government building when I was doing door-to-door sales. I wandered into the lobby and immediately gave my pitch to an old white-haired man in a suit. He had me follow him to a conference room where ten other white-haired men proceeded to buy all of the merchandise that I had on me. Then security escorted me from the building.

9) Raising my two kids is the thing that I’m most proud of even though I’m convinced that any good thing they’ve done was not a result of anything I taught them. 

10) My life is a broken record of the ecstatic and the tragic set on a loop to repeat for eternity. I have been dragged from loneliness by a wonderful woman. I’ve stared down the barrel of life-changing tragedies and pulled out a win. I’ve had people that I love yanked out of my arms by death. I’ve watched people I love walk away from me for no reason. And yet despite those things...because of those things...I continue to wake up every morning. 

As this blog continues I’ll tell you more about each and every one of those things. I’ll tell you the story of the time I got cursed out by an old man over what flavor pizza he liked. I’ll tell you why I can't really stomach apple juice. And I’ll tell you about the time I was left alone in a motionless elevator with a recently vacated corpse.

Tragedy and comedy...rinse and repeat. Bonafide and Southern Fried.